Last Daydream: A Roleplaying Parody
by The Inquisitor
Summary: Whoa, dude! Ch. 3's up! I've always thought it would be cool to make a humorous RPG, accentuating the quirks we all know and laugh at. Well, this is it. Please R/R if you want to be in it.
1. Chapter One: Characters

Narrator: Hi. I'm the narrator.

Me: Hello. I'm your author, The Inquisitor.

Narrator: He's an RPG fan.

Me: Yep.

Narrator: But this made-up one kind of sucks

Me: I shall smite thee into oblivion if thy dost not pipeth down.

Narrator: *sigh* Yes, my liege.

* * *

V2.0: Okay, I've added the "most-powerful-weapon" and "most-powerful-skill" categories for character descriptions, and I've added sections for fan-made characters (gee, that phrase sounds so good... "fan-made") as well as submitted ideas for weapons. In addition, I've added a couple of new characters. Oh yeah, and please be aware that a) data is subject to change if I get any good ideas and b) I may have to take a teensy-tiny bit of artistic license with submitted characters in order to fill in all the perameters or make them fit whatever story comes into play. If you have any objections to my use or abuse of your character, feel free to review or e-mail me. Please, though, try to keep it PG-rated if you review.

V1.0 Okay, now for the real intro. I've read a few lists of RPG cliches, and I always thought it would be cool to make a spoof game out of them. Well, this is the result. Please feel free to R/R any suggestions, comments, flaming criticisms, or if you would like a character of yours to be listed. If you submit, all that I ask is that you make it as ridiculous as possible. And finally, if there is a storyline, it will probably start next chapter, unless I put the setting there or something. Well, here it goes:

LAST DAYDREAM: A ROLE-PLAYING PARODY

Chapter 1: Characters:

THE GOOD

"So... we're planning on risking our lives to face a terrible, indestructible evil, slicing through hordes of powerful beasts, hoping to earn enough experience points so that maybe we can grow past level one and possibly stand a chance against the awesome power of a giant bunny rabbit, and after we have accomplished these impossible feats--without any help from the people we're attempting to save--then we're going to use our newly acquired strengths to face said evil and try to save said people from it?"

"Um.... yeah."

"Just checking"

Name: Avant Garde (heroes have last names, but they don't use them.)

Character Type: Hero

Weapons: Swords. He's the hero. Hero's use swords.

Most Powerful Weapon: The Omega Device (Get it? No? Okay, it's a distortion of "Ultima Weapon")

Most Powerful Skill: Blade of Gigantes (What he does is create a hole in space-time right in front of him by slicing his weapon downwards. Then, he thrusts his sword-arm through the hole, and a humongoid version of it comes out of the sky to strike all foes.)

Interesting Quirks: As per the hero class, he has very, very cool hair. 

Name: Adora Nightingale

Character Type: The female protagonist, who will inevitably fall in love with the hero.

Weapons: Magic. Also, since she is a magic user, she can wield the awesome and powerful weapons known as sticks. (Yes, sticks. They're wussy. Read the Quirks)

Most Powerful Weapon: Adamantium Staff (Yes, adamantium. But it's still a frikking stick.)

Most Powerful Skill: Well, the most powerful magic spell she has is kind of a surprise, so I'll give you her second most powerful, Summon Odin (Interestingly,Wotan--the Teutonic equivelant of Odin--used a spear as his weapon. Spears are pointy sticks. I love irony. Wait, or is that poetic justice? I always get those two mixed up.)

Interesting Quirks: Well, she can summon powerful demi-deities to do her bidding, but nothing interesting really.

Name: Travis Bishounen

Character Type: Quirky, elementary school mascot.

Weapons: Umbrellas. What? He has hydrophobia 

Most Powerful Weapon: Panic's Bumperchute (Panic is the deity of phobias, and bumperchute is an old name for umbrella... or something like that.)

Most Powerful Skill: Trance of Fear (This is pretty cool, IMHO. What he does is take a small pouch of water and throw it on himself. Since he has hydrophobia, this causes him to go into a panic, which gives him the stereotypical panicked-chibi strength surge we're all too familiar with. While in this panic, he runs around screaming in fear, and generally tramples his opponents or gores them to death with the spike of his umbrella.)

Interesting Quirks: As per the mascot class, he is very quirky, and far too often overly cute.

Name: Titan Overhaul

Character Type: Overly sized brute-type character.

Weapons: Very large rocks (I know; you can find them anywhere. But you still have to buy them, because obstacles are immobile...except when they're not)

Most Powerful Weapon: Mount Everest (now THAT's a very large rock)

Most Powerful Skill: Animate Meteor (Hehe, I like this one. He grabs his opponent and ties them to whatever oversized rock he's carrying. Then, he spins around a few times and hurls the rock--with enemy attached--into the upper atmosphere, where they are first frozen and then immolated. After a moment, they fall back to earth, where they are severely bashed by the impact.)

Interesting Quirks: Like Fezzik the Turk, Mareg of Grandia II, and all the other large hairy people before him, he will be either the wisest or the cuddliest of the main characters. You decide.

Name: Rogue Tigerhawk

Character Type: This is that ONE character that's cooler than the hero (besides the villain).

Weapons: Hula-Hoops. Yeah, that's right. I said Hula-Hoops.

Most Powerful Weapon: Hell's Gate (this was originally a gateway to--you guessed it--Hell, developed by an ancient civilization who abused its powers and eventually collapsed. A few millennia later, most of its power is gone, and it makes a mighty-fine hula-hoop.)

Most Powerful Skill: Hell's Gate (Yeah, yeah, I hear your whining. Another skill named after a weapon, how cliche. Zip it. Hell's Gate uses Hell's Gate's power--I said MOST was gone, remember?--to open a gateway to aych-ee-double-hockey-sticks, from whence a demon comes to smite thy foes.)

Interesting Quirks: This guy's a renegade from the law, your typical too cool, fast-talking con-artist, who joins the hero after seeing his impressive strength in battle, though he won't admit to the "impressive" part. I think that about covers it.

* * *

THE BAD

"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

"Dude, that is so cliche it's not even funny."

Name: Mace Malign (Bad Guys have first names, but they don't use them.)

Character Type: Your typical take-over-the-world-cause-I'm-just-that-cool villainous bad guy character.

Weapons: Swords. He's the Bad Guy. Bad Guys use swords.

Most Powerful Weapon: Chimera Blade (The Chimera is a legendary monster, which has several different descriptions. One says that it has the head of a lion, the body of an eagle, and the tail of a serpent, if I remember correctly. This is the version I based the sword on. Anyway, the sword's hilt looks basically like a serpent's body, the side-guards are bat-like wings, and on each side of the hilt, where it meets the blade, a lion's head is carved into the steel. The blade is jet-black chrome.)

Most Powerful Skill: Chaotic Essence (Another version of the Chimera casts it as a having three heads: lion, serpent, and eagle. Here is where I base Chaotic Essence. So, Malign holds up his blade, it does a couple of nifty lens-flare graphics and firework effects, and a semi-transparent Chimera spirit comes out of it in a flash of dark light (If you're thinking that this phrase doesn't make sense, you're absolutely right. I have no regard for the laws of physics or Eucledean geometry, as you can plainly see in my other humorous story, "Black Spider"). Strangely, as with all summons it only stays for a few moments, during which it sprays three beams--acid from the snake's mouth, fire from the lion's mouth, and electricity from the eagle's mouth--at our heroes, and then promptly disappears.)

Interesting Quirks: This is the coolest character in the game. End of story.

Name: Nat Cole

Character Type: This is the royal fat guy that Malign is manipulating in order to achieve his ultimate goal. 

Weapons: Feh, are you kidding? Royal fat guys don't use weapons; they get killed too quickly.

Most Powerful Weapon: Were you listening the first time?

Most Powerful Skill: Seriously, are you paying attention?

Interesting Quirks: As aforementioned, he will be killed probably around the middle of the game. Also, though most commoners will think he is being used for political power (If they are aware of the manipulation at all), some secret society or rebel group will be aware of Malign's true intentions... which I don't know yet.

Name: Bippity

Character Type: Villain's annoying sidekick number one.

Weapons: Well, he has (excruciatingly ineffective) boxing gloves, but usually he just uses souped-up magic to impede the forces of Good. 

Most Powerful Weapon: Well, annoying sidekicks generally have just one weapon, and Bippity's are the boxing-gloves. If you want details, however, they're Smiley-Gloves (You remember Afro Thunder from Ready 2 Rumble Boxing?)

Most Powerful Skill: Daisy Cutter (Feel the awesome power of the Daisy Cutter! Mwuhaha! No flower can withstand his wrath, for he is the harbringer of flora's destruction!.... Yeah right. "Daisy Cutter" is actually a euphemism for "Nuclear Effing Missile.")

Interesting Quirks: He's very tiny, and very annoying.

Name: Boppity

Character Type: Villain's annoying sidekick number two.

Weapons: Well, he has a few (excruciatingly ineffective) magic spells, but usually he just uses his ability to crush fire hydrants single-handedly to impede the forces of Good.

Most Powerful Weapon: Weapon? Boppity no need weapon! Boppity smash! No need weapon to smash! SMASH!

Most Powerful Skill: Smash! (Do you really need an explanation for this one? I don't think you want one.)

Interesting Quirks: He's very large, very stupid, and very annoying. (And no, there's no one named Boo...unless you make one.)

Name: Isis North

Character Type: This is the female leader of the villain's armies, who battles the main characters several times, always beats them, but never kills them. 

Weapons: She uses a double-bladed axe, which she also uses to cast combat spells.

Most Powerful Weapon: Glacial Halberd (Upon a long-past time, when the spirits of the nine were barely separate and the great Crystal Clock had only just begun its first revolution, there was a story behind this axe. Unfortunately, I haven't written it yet, so you'll just have to settle for a cool name for now.)

Most Powerful Skill: Arctic Bladestorm (If you haven't gotten the overt hints by now, Isis is an ice-based character. Anyway, with this attack she throws her blade into the clouds above, and the normally bright spring-time clouds that look like bunny-rabbits darken into ominous clouds of doom. After a few lightning bolts within the clouds, a hailstorm starts that lasts about thirty-four seconds (i.e. long enough for the cool graphics to show themselves on whatever console this game is played on), after which her axe returns to her. Oh yeah, and the hailstones are sharp enough to split hairs. Seriously.)

Interesting Quirks: She doesn't kill the good guys because she has fallen in love with one of the characters (but not the hero). Who? You decide. Incidentally, she will eventually become either a temporary or permanent party member.

* * *

AND THE FAN-MADE

"From the miasma of worlds, microcosms of fantasy created within the minds of myriad authors, a vast wave of heroes and villains shall come forth, bringing new light on the darkening world, or infesting its shadows with everlasting plagues. Such is the power of the pen, and.... um... Cripes! This was almost a good quote too."

*stuff with a little asterisk at the beginning is stuff that I modified about fan-characters/weapons. Please review if you want something changed.

Name: Azmith Candin

Created By: Duck

Character Type: *Well, this guy is apparently working for evil, but we already have a main villain, so... maybe he's the Villain's-main-lackey-who-tries-to-manipulate-the-villain-but-fails-and-is-either-killed-or-turned-a-good-guy-in-the-process character?

Weapons: Evil Slicing Poker Cards

Most Powerful Weapon: *Sept de la chance (Err, this kind of a rough translation, but it's supposed to mean "lucky seven" in french. Actually, the name has nothing to do with the deck, which is a set of magic tarot cards which can be used to affect one's enemies (i.e. the Fool's card would transform your enemy into a jester, or the Ace of Wands would summon a big stick from the sky to whack them with.). I know, it's not poker, but I think tarot cards have more potential for humor.)

Most Powerful Skill: *Indefensible Gambit (Ever played 52-card pickup? Well, this is 52-card cut-up. Azmith throws his cards outward towards his foes in deadly, boomerang-like arcs. After slicing his foes--or simply passing them by harmlessly, depending on the wind and how drunk he is--they return to his hand, re-stacking themselves for the next round.)

Interesting Quirks: Most powerful warrior ever in history, and, unfortunately for good, works for evil. Unfortunately for evil, spends all his waking hours eating and playing poker with his invisible friends/ Arch nemeses, Numbers 1-4 (*I'm guessing these guys will be sub-characters, then).

Name: Astarte DeMalus---typical aristocratic-sounding nonsense name, which is only fully used a) when/if he introduces himself (which only happens once...or twice), or b) when the Bad Guy calls on/refers to him. Otherwise, he's just Astarte, or whatever lame names the Good Guys call him; i.e., Cloak-guy, Tall-Dark-and-Evil, Silent Scary Bastard...well, the last one could affect the rating.

Created by: Argent Inluminai

Character Type: The silent, dark-cloaked, attractive-bordering-on-pretty bishonen "advisor" to the Bad Guy.

Weapons: Magic. Pretty-boy vizers to the Bad Guy always use magic. Really flashy spells, with names like "Fiery Blazing Inferno of the Nine Hells," and "Largest Devil Light Beam Ever" (remember Ghaleon?); most are elemental spells, but he'll always manage a non-element spell that will wipe your party out the first (few) time(s) you fight him, leaving you to cuss like a drunken sailor and beat him in 15 minutes during the next play. He'll also have some spell which will either heal himself (usually by draining the Heroes' health) or black any offense attacks/spells for several turns, making you waste time and lose what patience you have left. He's a total wimp when it comes to physical weapons, so he never uses them.

Most Powerful Weapon: *Garlanded Subliminal Stave of the Fateless Magus (The long-titled staff—I know, you only said magic, but he needs a staff—which he managed to "obtain" from his Game Spirit—more on those in a later chapter. Probably a much later chapter. Anyway, it's a cool weapon which will probably end up being the key to some long-lost power or another. Wait and see.)

Most Powerful Skill: *Raging Raziel's Furiously Wanton and Uncalled-For Deathly AP Firestorm Technique of The Violet, Steel-Feathered Harpy Who's Roommate Knew the Goldfish of a Guy Named Bob (You want long names, you've got long names. Naturally, a wrathfully deadly, non-elemental technique which ignores defense and hits everyone. Will Reflect work? Nope. You'll see how our heroes deal with the issue.)

Interesting Quirks: He usually has unusually-colored hair that obscures his eyes (usually "emerald green," sterling silver," deep sapphire," or some other over-dramatic color), at least for the first few encounters. He spends his free time making cryptic comments from the shadows, unnoticed even by those with superior senses and the ability to track a ground squirrel from 50 miles, and he almost never fights; if he does, he will either be a God or a Wuss, and will always leave before the heroes can kill him, usually in a flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of confetti, etc. He's often revealed (late in the game) to have been an important person from the planet's past (Hero, Sage, King, Clone, Prime Minister), turned from the side of good by a lust for power and the neurotic need to control everything like a puppet master, and he may, like other villians, have a connection to one of the Good Guys, usually as a father, uncle, great-grand cousin twice removed, ect. Following the revelation, he's soon killed by the Great Big Evil, or he IS the Great Big Evil. People will suspect him throughout the game, but they'll still be surprised when he shows up near the end to kill one of his allies. He'll often have one-sided talks with himself, which get needlessly "philosophical" and involve many uses of the words "destiny," "power," "fate,"; titles for someone (usually the Hero) a la "Chrono Trigger" and "Hero of Time,"; or otherwise he'll refer to everyone as "tool," "puppet," or "pawn." He also never shows emotion, unless it's very close to The End and he's laughing maniacally. ("AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!")

Name: Rivalen Redmark.

Created by: Jehan's Muse

Character Type: Goodguy whom everyone thinks is a badguy because he looks and acts like a badguy.

Weapons: He's a wizard, with a dagger that he uses on occasion to create holes in people who are bothering him. 

Most Powerful Weapon: *Jehan's Subtle Edge ("Hey Rivalen, why did you just cast a lightning spell on an earth-based creature?" Stab, Stab, Stab, Stabstabstab!!!)

Most Powerful Skill: *Sinister Blaze (Okay, here's how it goes: Rivalen tosses his dagger into the air, where lines of fire begin to swirl around it at around 500 feet. Meanwhile, he has turned his back on the enemy, and begun to walk away. The dagger, now a 50-foot radius inferno, crashes down onto the enemies, and the cut-scene ends with Rivalen doing that cool Action-movie-hero-walking-away-from-a-blazing-field effect.)

Interesting Quirks: He's seventeen, a bit young for your standard adventurer. Pale and thin, kind of a wimp. And he doesn't talk. Well, I mean, he *can* talk, but he doesn't unless absolutely necessary. Like, if a rock was about to fall on someone's head, he'd say "Watch out, there's a big rock about to fall on your head!" But he's not given to idle conversation. He's annoyingly smart, kind of superior, generally the kind of guy you want to bash over the head with something. Which people do, on occasion. 

Name: Bada Boom(a.k.a.Boo)

Character Type: Villian's annoying sidekick, 

sidekick.

Weapons: Uses a rocking horse named Yeh-Haw (Don't ask) Has Ancient Bombs, Fireworks, and lots and lots of that explosion magic that hits everybody.

Most Powerful Weapon: *Yeh-Haw (I won't)

Most Powerful Skill: *Mystical Tank-Shell (Taking ideas on magic from "Those who hunt elves,"… "Great Scotts! That's a 15-Megaton Spell!)

Character Type- Very Young, Hyper Kid that always 

saying something off the wall, and hidden by oversized clothes. Is an orphan ( go figure)Questions the motives of Mace alot. Likes to act innocent but is seen drinking beer with the baddies! Is prone to steal, and later is connected with the hero! May have a hidden agenda with Adora. Sees Bippity and Boppity as role models.( May be a boy or a girl). Always ruins the

moment, and questions his own existence.

Now, if you want to make your own character, here's a skeleton for you to use: copy-and-paste to your review/e-mail, and fill in all the necessary data.

Name:

Created By:

Character Type: 

Weapons: 

Most Powerful Weapon: 

Most Powerful Skill: 

Interesting Quirks: 

* * *

WEAPONS

"What? Spoons? Sure, we sell those."

The Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper-Laser-guided-Nuclear-Galactic Cheese Grater (Clean cuts everytime! Also effective for shredding the faces of enemies) 

Created by: He who changes his name too often.

The Repetitious Sword of Recurring Redundancy (This is a Repetitious Sword of Recurring Redundancy )

Created by: Me, The Inquisitor

Um, I guess that covers everything. Any ideas? A setting? Story? Names for the weapons? (Ooh, now THAT's a good idea.) Well, R/R and let me know. See ya next chapter!


	2. Chapter Two: The Obligatory DrawnOut Fla...

Narrator: Hi. I'm the narrator.

Me: Hi. I'm your author, The Inquisitor.

Narrator: Welcome to chapter 2.

Me: This is where the story begins.

Narrator: It still sucks, though.

Me: Batten down your hatch or I'll make you walk the plank.

Narrator: *sigh* Aye-aye, cap'n.

-----------------------------

Intro: As per the usual, any and all characters, places, events, etc., except those previously copyrighted by others, are copyright 2002 by me. All rights reserved, and all that jazz. Okay, now for disclaimers. As per RPGs, characters will show up slowly, so please don't be mad if one of your favorite characters or a character you created isn't in here yet; everyone will be here eventually, so have patience. Secondly, I'm sorry about the practically year-long wait. I… um… stubbed my toe. Finally, I've been playing a fantastic computer game called Darkened Skye lately, which is a great game if you like the type of humor I'm going for. I recommend--no I COMMAND you to play this game. Mwuhaha! Feel my POWER! *cough* Erm... sorry. Anyway, there will probably be a lot of humor similar to/ blatantly ripped off from this game... err, and others... and probably you. Stolen jokes are good for the economy. Well, here we go...

Chapter 2: The Obligatory Drawn-Out Flashback Scene

It was a cold, desolate winter evening... or at least The Inquisitor wished it was. In reality it was a cheery springtime afternoon, the sun shining brightly on the newly-sprouting plants and joyous children playing in the sprinklers. As such, his evil step-parents had forced him to play outside in the accursed sunshine. He looked up at the sun, and hissed. He would much rather have been in his room, playing Dreamcast. Thankfully, however, dark clouds crept into the afternoon, and a lightning bolt struck a somewhat nearby tree, sending the small children running home and screaming. He smiled, and calmly returned to the cool solitude of his household, thanking the clouds for their kind cruelty. Deftly escaping the watchful eye of his evil step-parents, he slinked his way upstairs, his dark clothing aiding his attempts to lurk in the shadows of the halls. Finally, he made his way to his bedroom--lair, if you will--and crept in. He closed the door, and turned on the light, watching the illumination play off of his room's decorations. Now in his element, he cast aside his evil villain visage, and smiled comfortably at the various items and posters adorning his lair. They were anime and gaming paraphernalia, primarily, with a dash of somewhat philosophical items and notes on his stories. Perhaps the most important item, however, lay in a home-made tray in front of his TV: the Dreamcast. How long had it been since that first day he had received it? Two years, one month, and twenty-six days; he had it memorized. Now he had beaten dozens of games, and kept them in his trophy collection above the TV: Bangai-O, Sonic Adventure 1&2, Grandia II, Skies of Arcadia, Seventh Cross: Evolution, all of these had seen his wrath. But now he had a new challenge; he had won a mystery DC disk at the arcade earlier today, before the "good" weather had started. Now, finally, he could see what it was. He poured himself a soda and slipped the disk in, watching as the title screen come up:

LAST DAYDREAM

(c) 2002, Circlesoft

NEW GAME

CONTINUE

He chose new game, and the world around him vanished, leaving only the game...

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night... how surprising.

'Why is it always dark and stormy in these RPG flash-back scenes?,' thought the dark figure piloting the rickety boat through a storm where only fools would rush in and angels would fear to tread. He was neither fool nor angel, nor creature of night, and he was soaked to the bone.

"You must protect the child, for all our sakes." That was what En had said to him before he left. Give him a decent ship? Oh, heavens no. But he could assign a task, surely enough. The dark figure looked from the ship's wheel to the child on the cabin's cot. 'Aarrgh! Why does he have to have such cute dimples, blast it! Why can't he be a smelly kid, or a vindictive 5-year-old? But no, he has to have cute dimples so I won't leave him behind. Bloody brilliant.' he thought, and returned his gaze to the task at hand. Suddenly, a lightning bolt flared brilliantly across the sky, lighting up the scene for a moment that seemed to last forever.

There was a 50-foot wave headed straight for them. Terrified, the figure cried out, and held up his hands in a futile defensive effort, and the scene faded away into pure darkness...

...

"Such a beautiful afternoon," the young woman said as she strolled down the beach. And indeed, it was. It was one of those almost fantasy-like afternoons, when the sun is shining brightly and the palm trees are wafting in the breeze. 

"It's one of those moments you'd expect to see only in an RPG... oh wait..." she trailed off, as something clicked in the back of her mind. "Let's see... dark and stormy night... beautiful afternoon... walking on a beach... This is the scene where I find a dead man and a live baby, isn't it?" 

And, as expected, she found just that-- a still figure and what appeared to be a bundle of rags. She sighed. "Do I really have to say this line?" She asked aloud. 

YES. IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD! Replied the game program-- Err, a wandering spirit. 

"It's in the script, you mean." The young woman hung her head in downtroddenness, and then lifted it again and brought her hands to her cheeks.

"Oh my!" she cried, and walked over to a still figure and what appeared to be a bundle of rags. "Sir, are you all right?" she asked, nudging the figure slightly. He groaned, and turned to face her.

"Take...Take the child. You must...protect... the child....... for all our sakes." he said, and then fell back down, dead. The "bundle of rags" suddenly made a small coughing sound, and the young woman picked it up to find that it was a child--a young boy. 

She picked him up from the sand, and he coughed, sending flecks of drool skittering to the ground.

'Not exactly appropriate behavior for the savior of the universe…' she thought.

Then, the still figure groaned again. "Wait, take this sword with you. It belonged to the boy's father." He said, and handed her a short copper saber. She took it, and he collapsed once more to the sand.

"A minus-13 tarnished copper toy sword? What kind of IDIOT expects a new-born baby to grow up in a place within walking distance of the nearest beach to his hometown, always evading the ever-watchful eye of the omnipresent evil force that even now tears at the soft underbelly of the innocent world in which we live, growing in strength under the 'expert training' of someone whose first and practically only line in the whole story is 'oh, my,' using nothing but the awesome, phenomenal power of a minus-13 tarnished copper toy sword?!" she fumed. Once again, the old man's body moved on the sand, and he groaned.

"This is an RPG, remember?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah. I almost for…Hey! Aren't you supposed to be dead by now?"

"Right, sorry." He said, and collapsed for the third time to the sand.

The young girl lifted an eyebrow, and softly kicked him in the side. Surely enough, he was dead… again.

She sighed, and gathered the child and the sword into her arms. 

"Come on, little hero. It's time to head back to the village, where—after fifteen years of training to the point at which you may be able to take on the wimpy imps in the forest—you can begin your epic travels with the first of your equally unskilled companions. It will be a long and hard road… which of course will probably be over in less than thirty real-time hours. Yep, despite the fact that the obligatory castle has hundreds of highly skilled guards, we're placing our trust in— "

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE! SELF-REFERENCE HUMOR IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT YOU'RE TAKING IT TOO FAR! END THE FLASHBACK ALREADY, AND LET'S START THE GAME! Said the game program—Err, a wandering spirit.

"All right, all right." She replied. 'Now, let's see. I just have to turn my back to the screen, start walking, and…'

The scene fades to a black background, where the only breaks in the darkness are the words "Fifteen years later…"

…

The scene opens on a young hero, who has just awakened to see fire blazing outside his window. He jumps out of bed, and reaches for his father's sword—a minus-13 tarnished copper toy sword which he has affectionately named the "Rusted Side-Arm."

"Garland's Fury! What's going on here? I'd better check this out." He said, and then the screen around him changed into a picture of a blazing sun, as words appeared beneath his sprite.

A young hero, his destiny at its beginnings. 

He is the last child of a forgotten race, and the last hope of humanity.

What shall you name him?

{ }

Default

{Avant }

Is this name okay? Yes/No.

Yes.

The background returned to normal, and Avant stood ready.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Inquisitor was smiling. Finally, a chance to see what the game was all about. He hit the pause button, and looked at the options:

Status

Equipment

Items

Magic

Skills

Class

Save

Exit

He decided to check things out, so he went to the Equipment screen.

Avant

R. Hand: Rusted Side-Arm

L. Hand: Nothing

Helmet: Nothing

Chest: Cotton Shirt

Legs: Training Jeans

Feet: Shoes

Other: None

'Typical starting equipment', he thought. He then looked at his watch. 1:45… a.m.

"Jeez, Louise! How did it get so late?" He muttered to himself. After debating the topic for a few minutes, he came to the conclusion that he must have—in the process of watching the flashback—performed an inadvertent temporal shift six hours into the future. Man, he hated it when that happened. He hit the exit command, and found a save point conveniently located next to Avant's bed. He saved, and was trying to decide whether to continue playing or not, when…

*POUND, POUND*

"Wha...?" The Inquisitor mumbled, looking up from the screen to the sound of fists on his door.

"James, why are you in your room playing Dreamcast? You should be outside, with your feet on the green grass!" shouted his evil step-mother.

"I've asked you before: please refer to me as The Inquisitor! And it's 2:00 in the morning!" he replied.

"Don't raise your voice! Just go and play; it's not healthy to stay inside all day!" she responded.

"Aarrgghh! Must you persist in that infernal rhyming?!" He inquired, standing to open the door.

"What? I don't know what you're talking about. And I've told you once: please don't shout!" she said, handing him his coat.

"Your diet is somewhat lacking in sun; now go find your friends, and have some fun." she said smilingly. He grumbled, and left to the front yard, where he pulled out his pocket pillow and slept, dreaming of the game, his stories, and...um...donuts. Right.

To be continued... maybe...


	3. Chapter Three: Treasure, Bosses, and the...

Narrator: Hi, I'm the narrator.

Me: Hi. I'm your author, The Inquisitor.

Narrator: This is chapter 3.

Me: Yep. Finally, a 3-chapter story.

Narrator: Can you believe this guy thinks he has a fan-base?

Me: Silence, cur, or face the headsman's axe.

Narrator: *Sigh* Yes, your majesty.

Intro: The Legal: All characters, save for those created by someone else, are copyright 2002-2003 by me. And yes, that includes real people. *holds up a contract* I own you. The Lame Excuse: I'm starting this pretty early, November 5th to be exact, but in case it's late, let's just say that my roommate ate my hard-drive. Yeah, that's it.

Intro 2: Err… December 11th. Right. Sorry, but I…err…umm…Ooh look, a pickle! *runs away*

Intro 3: Finally, January 22; aren't you happy this day has finally come? No? You're mad that I'm so late? Well, this time let's blame online games. Blame be upon ye, Allerian Empire. *shakes fist in blame* Oh yeah, sorry about the lack of character updates; I'll do that in a couple of days. Honest.

Well, here we go…

Chapter 3: Treasure, Bosses, and the Beginning of a Quest

Lights flashing, a neon manifestation of all that is precious and true. The cool darkness surrounds its inhabitants, a shield from the harsh outer world, the false light known as the sun. The sounds, a thousand captive voices crying out from their silicon prisons for interaction with the denizens of this, a microcosm of human experience known as… The Red Rose Arcade.

The Inquisitor walked into the Red Rose, a familiar oasis in the desolate desert known as reality. Fellow gamers and authors were numerous, the selection of games was quite impressive, and the bar's drinks were always served just right. He noticed a few friends of his, and walked over. "Well, if it isn't Chopper, Skiver, and Tempest. It's been a while, eh?" he said, shaking hands all round.

"Yeah, man. Hey, why haven't you reviewed Senkadan lately? " Tempest asked. "I've had the new chapter up for months now."

"Err… I've been busy. My aloe-vera plant has been eating the spoons again." He replied.

"Like we haven't heard _that_ one before. You need new stories, man." Tempest replied.

"So, how about I buy us a round?" The Inquisitor asked, changing the subject and signaling the bartender.

"Yo, Galcia! Cherry Bomb on the rocks, if you don't mind." He said. 

Galcia nodded. "Anything for you guys?" he asked the others.

"Ocean Requiem in C-Minor, please." Chopper replied.

"Sweet Dream with a bitter memory." Skiver responded.

"Mur Loqua for me." Tempest answered.

Galcia jotted the orders down, and headed to the back. A minute or so later he returned, carrying a Cherry Coke/Orange soda mix with ice, a glass of Sprite with less carbonation, sweet tea with a lemon, and some apple juice. The Inquisitor paid, and they continued their conversation. 

"So Quiz, I hear you won that DC disk they had at the ticket exchange." Chopper commented, sipping on the Ocean Requiem.

"The Dreamcast is a dead system, you know." Skiver said.

The Inquisitor's eye twitched. "I know, but I refuse to accept the fact that Barney the Dinosaur lasted longer. It irks the heck out of me." He said, casually entertaining thoughts of blowing up stuffed animals.

"Let's have a moment of silence for the gaming world's sanity." Tempest said, and they were silent for a moment.

"Okaaaay… so, what game did you get?" Chopper asked.

"It's an RPG called Last Daydream. Anyone heard of it?" The Inquisitor asked. There were puzzled glances all round, but the general response was negative.  
"Can't say that I have, Quiz. And the fact that the Dreamcast didn't have that many RPGs makes this even more of a puzzle." Skiver said.

The Inquisitor frowned, and glanced at his watch: 6 p.m. "Cripes, not again!" he exclaimed.

"Another temporal shift?" Tempest asked, looking at his watch. "You know, you really should see a doctor about that. It's getting kind of irritating." He said.

"Sorry about that, guys. I'd better get going before it ends up midnight." The Inquisitor said, finishing off his Cherry Bomb and leaving the glass on the bar. He said good-bye, and left the arcade.

The sun was setting, but still visible, and The Inquisitor growled lowly. He once again had to pass near the group of children playing in sprinklers. He frowned, knowing almost beyond a shadow of a doubt that one of them would try to squirt him with the hose. True, this would grant him a good reason to chase them down screaming in bloodlust, but still… Suddenly, he derailed this train of thought. The children were slowing down, and the sprinklers had ceased to work. The stunted vermin were shaking uncontrollably, turning blue, and attempting to run home crying on legs that weren't functioning properly. He smiled: winter had come at last. The glacial desolation was a welcome change to his chilled essence, and he greeted it with a bow, but he had a prior engagement with his Dreamcast. Basking in the frigid gloom would have to wait.

Carefully, he once again deftly glided past the living-room, where his evil step-parents were attempting to adjust the heater, and made his way back to his lair, pausing to admire the sign above its door: "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here." He entered, shedding his evil visage, and took his accustomed place at the game-chair. He turned on the Dreamcast, grabbed his controller, poured himself a Cherry Bomb, and watched as the title screen came up:

Last Daydream

(c) 2002, Circlesoft

New Game

Continue

He chose continue, and the world melted away into nothingness, a void from which the game world emerged…

* * *

Avant stood at his bedside, ready for action. As a matter of fact, he'd been doing that for about 3 days straight. Darn those real-world/game-world time conversions. 

He looked out of his window, watching the flames spread.

"Crap, the village is on fire! This is definitely a bad thing; I should see if anyone needs he—ooh, a treasure chest." He said, suddenly noticing a large wooden chest near the foot of his bed. "Hmm, I wonder why I never noticed it before. This _is_ my room, after all." He said as he stooped down to open the chest. 

As he was about to open it, however, he noticed a note: "To be delivered to the room of Avant Garde on the first day of Gyration. Not to be opened until then."

"Gyration? What the heck is that? And why is the mail running if the village is on fire? Come to think of it, do we even have a mailing address? And jeez, look at the size of this thing! How much would it cost to—"

AHEM. PLEASE MOVE ALONG. Said the game program—err, a wandering spirit.

"Err… right." He said, and opened the chest. Within it, he found a vial with a blue liquid.

"You found 1 Potion!" said a booming voice.

Avant looked around, but saw no one but the game program—err, wandering spirit, who was already leaving. "Hey, was that you?" he asked the spirit.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? It responded.

"Someone just…never mind, they didn't have your accent anyway."

WHAT ACCENT?

"Well, you…you know, speak in all-caps."

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. The spirit replied, and promptly left.

"Well, _that_ was certainly random." Avant commented. "Now, where was I? Oh, yeah; burning village." he said, and left his house. He saw a friend of his, and ran up to him.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"Help! The church is on fire!" the man responded.

Avant turned towards the church "Holy smokes, you're right!" he said, then turned back to the villager. "Who caused this?" he asked.

"Help! The church is on fire!" the man responded.

"Umm…"

"Help! The church is on fire!"

Avant scratched his head, and started to ask another question, but changed his mind. "Right, I'll just see if anyone needs help then." He said, and headed towards the church.

"Help! The church is on fire!" the man responded.

'Man, what was with that?' Avant thought as he stepped into the courtyard. His thoughts were cut short, however, as he regarded the scene before him…

His vision grew clear, focused, more lucid than it had ever been as he surveyed the church. The fire had consumed nearly the entire building now, and a window shattered from the heat. The waves of heat rolling off of the flames gave the scene an almost dreamy perspective, but the flames themselves transformed that dream into a nightmare. This was merely the background, however, for Avant's focus shifted to the three figures at the center of the plaza. The first was a silent, dark-cloaked individual, obviously a mage by his lack of weapons, with gleaming silver hair that concealed his eyes. The second was a woman who looked to be somewhere in her twenties, with auburn hair, green eyes, and well-polished silver armor. In her left hand, she was holding a double-bladed axe, and in her right hand she was holding—by the throat—the third person in the square, a young woman who might have been Avant's age (late teens). She was wearing what looked like white priest's robes, had golden hair, and was trying to pry the knight's hands from her throat, which was slowly icing over. Her face was twisted in agony.

"I'll tell you this one more time: join us, or die." The knight said, scowling in anger.

"It's a shame, really, that so many have to become…shall we say acceptable losses?" The mage commented casually, gesturing towards the church. He then turned towards Avant, who had stepped into the courtyard. One could only presume his hidden eyes were surveying the rusted state of Avant's recently drawn sword, as the edge of his mouth hinted at a grin. "Well, well, well. It seems we have another pathetic hero in our midst."

The knight turned towards Avant, and threw the girl into a nearby wall, where she collapsed, unconscious. "This is no concern of yours." She said, readying her axe.

"I believe it is. You just burned the village church, and beat a beautiful young maiden senseless." Avant replied, readying the Rusted Side-Arm.

The mage smirked slightly. "I'll let you handle this, Isis. Oh, and try not to botch the job. Lord Malign would not be pleased." He said, turning to leave.

"I owe no allegiance to this 'lord' of yours. My loyalty is to the crown." She said to the figure.

The mage smirked once more, and vanished in a wisp of smoke.

Avant's vision returned to normal, Isis returned her gaze to him, and all of a sudden they heard fast-paced music from behind them. They turned towards the source, and saw a rather unusual jazz band consisting of orchestral instruments. The obligatory huge drum in the center had an emblem that said "Background Johnny and the MIDIs." 

They both turned towards the camera and simultaneously said "Combat music." The fight was on.

Avant stood at one end of the courtyard, his sword readied, and considered his options: fight, tech, item, run.

'Those seem like rather limited options. Couldn't I pretend to run, hide behind the wall, and attack from behind when lady cold over here follows me? Couldn't I try to wake the collapsed young woman who may be dying from internal bleeding on the other side of the courtyard? Oh, well; at least I can use cool tech skills. Let's try 'em out.' He thought.

"Tetanus Buster!" he shouted, and with a downward slash threw a blast of red energy at the knight.

The attack hit head on, but she simply stood, wincing slightly. She smiled, and ran towards Avant with her axe drawn back. She slashed him across the chest, and he staggered back slightly as she backed away to her original position.

'Whoa, dude; that's bad. I just used one of the techniques I've been training my entire lifetime to learn, and she just stood there. That's just—wait a minute, why am I still alive? I just got a full-blown axe-attack to the chest; I should be a screaming head with one arm and a bleeding stump of a body by now. It's not like I'm wearing armor or anything, just a friggin' t-shirt. I—' Avant thought, and was interrupted by Isis.

"Come on, already! It's your freakin' turn!" she shouted.

"Turn? What the blazes are you talking about?"

"You know; you attack, I attack. It's the rule."

"Err…"

"I'm waaaiiiting."

"Right. Hmm… let's see, I do have ONE other technique. Power Slash!" Avant cried, and jumped into the air with his sword held high. He crashed down in front of Isis, slicing downward with the Rusted Side-Arm as he did so, and Isis staggered back as Avant returned to his original position.

Once more, Isis smirked, and did a simple chest-slash to Avant, this time drawing blood.

'Like, ouch. That's really starting to hurt, dude; maybe I should use that potion.' He thought.

* * *

The Inquisitor sat hunched forward, considering his next move. He was down to about a quarter HP, and another attack would do Avant in. He scratched his chin thoughtfully, considering the potion in his inventory. It seemed that in this particular situation he always attacked first, so the potion would keep him alive another round or two; enough for one more attack, at least. But then, this Isis person seemed to be one of the bigger, badder villains; considering this, the battle was most likely unwinnable. He decided to save the potion; he might need it later.

* * *

'Hmm… maybe I should save it for the fainted maiden; she probably needs it more than I do.' Avant thought. 'Well, I think I'm about used up on Ki energy; looks like it's back to the old hack-and-slash method.'

Avant ran towards Isis, his sword held sideways in a cool Braveheart imitation, and slashed Isis across the stomach.

Isis grimaced as Avant returned to his position, and threw her hair back over her shoulder. 

"I've had enough toying with you, hero. Freezing Wind!" she shouted, and pointed her axe towards Avant. The wind picked up behind her, and created a gale force which rushed past her towards Avant, taking with it a blustering of snow. Avant gritted himself against the wind, but was thrown back against the wall. The fight music ceased as he collapsed, and he watched as Isis turned around.

He smiled, and she scowled; her spell had put out the fires.

"Grraaagh! Astarte, get me a portal!" she commanded, and a dark gateway appeared in front of her. She turned to the two collapsed inhabitants of the square. "I'm not done with you two yet." She said, and walked through the portal.

Avant sat up, rubbing his head, and noticed that the lady in white was stirring. He stood up shakily, and walked over to her.

"Are you all right?" he asked, and bent down to check on her. She opened her eyes, and sat up with a wince.

"As soon as I can remember who I am, I'll let you know." She said, rubbing her head.

"You've got amnesia?" Avant asked.

"Yes, but I… wait, I think I remember my name…" she said, and the background—as well as Avant—disappeared behind her, leaving only a silvery moon surrounded by an expanse of stars.

A young maiden, touched by fate.

Her memories are lost, but her soul remains.

What shall you name her?

{ }

{All Right}

Is this name okay? Y/N 

* * *

The Inquisitor allowed himself a moment of mild amusement at this pale imitation of wit. "Are you all right? Yes, I'm All Right." Shaking these thoughts away—he most _certainly_ wouldn't do something that moronic in an RPG—he returned to the game.

* * *

N

Default  
  
{Adora }  
  
Is this name okay? Y/N   
Y

The background returned to normal, and Adora spoke.

"My name is Adora. Adora Nightengale." She said.

"The name's Avant. Just Avant." Avant replied.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir Avant." Adora said as Avant helped her to her feet.

"Any idea who those two creepazoids were who tried to burn down the church?" Avant asked.

Behind him, the charred remains of the church collapsed.

"Okay, who _did_ burn down the church?" he amended.

"Sorry; I'm afraid I don't remember anything before waking up just now." She replied.

"Eh; they're probably bad news, anyway. We should find somewhere to rest; an Inn, maybe." He suggested. She nodded, and they left the church square.

When they arrived in the village square, they stopped; the entire village, it seemed, had regained its wits, and was standing in the square. A large man in richly colored robes stepped forward.

"Father Cadmin, what can I do for you?" Avant asked.

Father Cadmin ignored his question, staring at Adora. "It is her! The angel of legend!"

Avant and Adora looked at one another.

"Any idea what he's talking about?" Avant asked. Adora shook her head in reply.

Father Cadmin started speaking at the top of his lungs: "Do you not remember? It is written that on the onset of gyration,"

'Great, again with this gyration stuff.' Avant thought.

"when the great fiend is about to awaken, an angel clad in white shall fall from the heavens in a chariot of fire. It shall be she, and the warrior without a past, who shall save us." Father Cadmin finished.

"Warrior without a past? Sounds like me." Avant commented, his ego swelling the tiniest bit. 

Father Cadmin looked toward him. "You, what's your name, you shall assist this young lady in finding the warrior of legend." he said.

"Um, I think we've already—" Avant started.

"Show's over! Everybody move along!" Father Cadmin proclaimed, and the villagers left the square.

Avant frowned slightly, then turned to Adora. "Well, we still need to find a place to rest."

"The Inn, right?" Adora asked.

"Right. Of course, we could go back to my place; it would be cheaper, after all, and I've probably got clothing and such supplies in stock. Furthermore, the costs of food at an inn are economically unfeasible, given our sadly limited financial assets—"

STOP POINTING OUT PLOT-HOLES. Said the game program—err, a wandering spirit.

"How can there be holes, given that there is no plot? I mean, destiny is not set; rather, it is woven as one sets one's eyes upon the path and begins to walk it. The concept of a plot is the idea of a pre-destined fate, and I for one—"

HOW ABOUT YOU JUST SMILE AND NOD, OKAY?

"Indeed. It would not be wise to oppose the will of game program—err, wandering spirits." Adora commented.

"Fine, fine, and fine some more. The beds are more comfortable at the inn, anyway." Avant said, and he and Adora struck out towards the inn as the "wandering spirit" vanished.

They reached the inn, and approached the clerk.

"Would you like a room? It'll be 20 gold." The clerk said.

"20… what? Haven't you heard that we're supposed to save the world in the near future?" Avant asked.

"Would you like a room? It'll be 20 gold."

"Oh, great. This again."

"Would you like a room? It'll be 20 gold."

"Yeah, yeah. Here's your gold." Avant said, the scene faded to black.

As the scene returned, Avant and Adora were coming down the stairs.

"Wait a minute… we didn't go up any stairs." Avant said.

"I certainly don't recall doing so. Or sleeping for that matter." Adora replied.

"Man, you just can't find a quality inn nowadays."

"Perhaps we should purchase supplies before we start our journey?" Adora suggested.

"Good idea; let's head to the weapons shop." Avant replied.

* * *

Back in the real world, The Inquisitor had paused to check his watch. It read 3:00… a.m.

"Ah, crap; not again!" he griped. 

Returning his gaze to the screen, he lead his party of 2 to a save-point in the inn's lobby, and saved the game. No sooner than he had done so, he heard…

****

*POUND, POUND*

"Great…" he muttered, and went to answer his door. This time, it was his evil stepfather.

"Do not waste your time.  
Playing games is bad for you.  
You should play outside." He said.

"I think that playing outside in the dead of winter, though favorable towards my good humor, would be counter-conducive to my health." The Inquisitor replied.

"Please do not talk back.  
I am not punishing you.  
Just do as I say."

"Must you speak in that asinine haiku?"

"Asinine haiku?  
I conceive not what you mean.  
Just go outside, James."

"Argh! I'm The Inquisitor, for blasts sake!" The Inquisitor replied, grabbing his coat. He turned off the Dreamcast, left both his lair and his house, and found himself once more outside in the dead of night. Ah, but the winter was glorious, and this truth was more than consolation for his exile from the gaming world for the night. He built a nest of the fallen snow, and slept soundly, dreaming of what the next day, chapter, and meal would hold…

To be continued… maybe…


End file.
